The lecturers dropped us into the deep end this week with diffraction gratings and chemical functional groups. It’s a lot to take in, a bit like when I had the chemistry lessons about subshells and the Aufbau principle. I definitely felt the jump from when I studied GCSE triple science to A level content.
I don’t learn well through timed quizzes and tests, and found it a bit unfair how our predicted grades would be generated from having a test on something we’ve been exposed to on the same lesson. It tests the rate of assimilation instead of hard work. In a psychology context, this method goes against individual agency, because it makes us attribute our successes and failures on “intelligence” rather than our own effort, and then people give up in the belief that it’s not something they can change. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
The university format works better for me, as I need a few days to do my own research, before it all clicks. When I first got exposed to the aufbau principle diagram, I was perplexed, but I slowly assimilated to understanding it, and now I know that the x axis of the diagram is azimuthal/angular quantum number, which correlates with the orbital subshells, and the y axis is the principle quantum number which is the energy levels of the shell. The configuration order goes diagonal for electrons to fill the shells with the lowest energy levels first. I think it’ll happen again with the diffraction gratings and the functional chemical groups if I work on understanding it. I just take the lessons badly when I first get presented with new information, because I get frustrated about not understanding it straight away.
Elephant in the room, but it’s kind of internalised ableism
I read somewhere that autistic and people with ADHD have a slower processing speed. I have both, so maybe that’s why the tests and quizzes go against my way of learning new information. However, having wrote that, I feel like it’s not fair to lump myself in with those who need more support, because I managed to do a lot, when I didn’t know I had these conditions. I’ve got some kind of survivor’s guilt when I think about how I managed to get a master’s degree and learn how to drive, when someone else who has the same, aren’t able to do so. Sometimes I even think if I ought to even have extra time for the exams, because I managed to do okay without the extra time when I was at school, and I got 48/50 for the theory test and passed the practical with 2 minors. It’s awkward and it makes me suspect that I’m twice exceptional, and I just don’t know anymore. I don’t have the answers for it.
Here’s a destructive interference metaphor for twice exceptional:
The trough of disability, cancels out the peak of giftedness.
Others just see the equilibrium and assume there’s no displacement (even though it’s felt inward).
Kafkaesque
I had some suspicion since when I was a young child, and now I’m a fully grown adult, and even though I found out I have autism and ADHD, I feel I’m still not near to finding anything out about myself to answer: why might I feel different? Why I am like the way I am? I used to think it was because I was an ethnic minority and didn’t have any role models who represented my identity. I didn’t have any role models who were women and considered ethnic minority apart from my mum, but she was emotionally absent due to depression. I think she felt trapped in a patriarchal society (my dad’s views) at the time.